'Twas The Night Before Grimdark

By the Apologist

'Twas the night before grimdark,
When all the PCRC,
Fall to eating and drinking,
And dreaming of spes mhr33nz*
The lads were nestled, all snug in their beds**
While visions of stormboyz danced in their heads***
And Catrin had so kindly (while Dave had a wee),
Settled us down with a dram of whiskey.

The forums were quiet, the mailing list still,
for the mouthbreathers had shut up and taken their fill,
Of rumours so silly we'd dismissed them at work,
As the neckbeards of the Bolter and Circlejerk,
Grew angry and red and hied to their keyboards,
To deny the existence of Astartes women.
The interwebshook to the ranting of dorks
As the world was invaded at night by da orks

Out at the window there arose such a clatter
As da boyz started fightin' and blastin' out dakka
It had come to the end of another great year,
And we knew that Saint Nick soon would be here****
Bearing aftershave, socks and 'novelty' ties,
Through the unseasonably warm December skies,
Assuming he ran the cordon of orks,
and didn't get dakkaed and popped like a cork.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and dancing of Eldar Space Poofs.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney a SPES MAREIN* came with a bound.
His eyes – how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
(No wait, my mistake, he was definitely scary.)
With trembling hand I offered him booze,
But he waved it away and said 'I ACCUSE YOU OF HERESY AGAINST THE EMPEROR.'

'No wait,' I said with a whine,
'This is a poem and that doesn't rhyme.'
Eyes flashing, with a voice like the thunder,
He replied 'I REFUSE TO ENTER INTO A PACT WITH HERETICS. THE EMPEROR SPITS ON POEMS.'
I thought this rude and rather obtuse, so spoke up
'You did a half-rhyme when you said 'I accuse'.'
He drew up in height and raised his bolter,
I felt my courage starting to falter*****
With my head in my hands and my legs turned to jelly,
I turned from the room and he yelled out,
'THIS HERESY ENDS HERE. FOR THE EMPEROR!'

After this, my memory grows hazy,
And although I'm assured my escape was amazing,
I'm afraid to confess that I fainted away,
And had to be told what had happened next day:
(This is a cop-out, but my plot armour is tough)
It turns out the orks had nicked all his stuff
His ammo and grenades, his pouches and knife,
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
GRIMDARK CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD LIFE IN ETERNAL SERVICE TO THE EMPEROR.

+++

* HURR!
** At half-past two the following afternoon.
*** Except Sam, who was dreaming of tentacles.
**** Better than Old Nick.
***** Alright, I was terrified!