Legend of Da Gogwort

"Nar listen up runts.

you knows abaat da current Boss and youse 'eard abaat da Boss before 'im, wot 'e clobbered, but da boss before dat?  anyone?

you knows deep daan in da middle of your orkiness dat when a boss gets big and 'ard enough 'e's gonna take you fightin'. if e's ded good youse gonna do lots of fighting an' more orks 'll join ya as e' crumps dere bosses. an' if  'e is ded 'ard Gork or Mork'll speak ter 'im an make im well 'ard, an' 'e'll become a warboss an' more orks'll join you. and maybe, jus' maybe, der'll be a Waaargh! and Fazands of Orks 'll mob up be'ind a ded 'ard Warlord an' go stompin' accross da stars.

but dis is da Scallops, in 'ere we'z got tonnes of tribes 'n' clans an' loads of bosses and warbosses. and deys always givin' each uvva a kickin. so a boss as ter be mega ded ard ter clobba iz way ter da top an' lead a Waaargh out of da scallops. 

so wot 'appens wen Gork an' Mork wants us ter go an crump some oomiez or smash dem ponces or skrag some uvva gitz?

wen deres no warlord, dey sends Da Gogwort!.

'e' turns up from aat ov nowhere. bigga an' 'arder dan da biggest 'ardest warboss, brutal as Gork, cunnin' as Mork, an iz Waaargh will be da stuff of legends!

but 'ow do yer know wen its Da Reeel Gogwort?

easy!

e's big an' 'ard (well e'z gotta be) 'iz tusks iz massive an 'iz eyes is full of brutal cunnin'. but you knowz e'z different from any uvva warlord coz of wot 'e wears.

deres dem ded flash big billowy robes, deyz billowy but some ow Ded orky. an you know 'e'z ded 'ard if 'e can fight in billowy robes.

dere's 'iz boss pole, dat 'e don't wear on 'iz back like uvva bosses but 'e carries in one 'and its big an' flash so you knows 'e's boss but its also ded 'itty an' good fer clobb'rin' gitz.

but most of all dere'z iz boss 'at. its not got hornz, its not got spikes but its all big an pointy. an da point is split in two!

an' dats 'ow you know 'e's been sent by both Gork an' Mork.

nar you knows wot ter look for if 'e turns up an' 'ow ter make sure its da proppa Gogwort."